There is a new academic year upon us, tests looming on the horizon, nerves getting frayed about deadlines and due dates once again. I’m sitting here on the brink of my second year of my PhD, pondering the role of this blog in my life. I started it only four years ago, although writing and art and critical thinking about life’s mysteries have all been a part of my life for much longer. But as my societally-applied job roles change and my goals shift, I’m left trying to figure out how to weave together these different threads that are all so important to me…to maintain my sense of self in a cohesive fashion, while staying open to growth.

I want to present this post as a raw, unfiltered reflection on my first year of graduate study. Every time I try to talk to people about the year and why I think it’s been so hard on me mentally, I find myself tripping over my words and trying to explain everything in a socially appropriate, let-me-make-it-easy-for-you-to-understand manner. But the transition I’ve taken into graduate school represents so much more than just a “next step in my career.” And this is where I think a lot of my anxiety and overthinking has stemmed from.

So, long story short, the quarter finished. I still feel so unprepared for what I need to do for my own research. The questions I’m asking, the experimental design, data collection methods, confidence…I imagine it will come together with time, and I fondly remember what my friend Oliver told me once about being in research/grad school: “None of us know what’s going on, we’re all just making it up as we go.” I guess, in a way, that’s sort of what science is. I’m not out here trying to be the best at what I do. I’m out here trying to be the best version of myself, and learn some things along the way while hopefully advancing our knowledge of the planet and our relationship with it.

Something somewhat poisonous has been brewing in my psyche over the last twelve years, and it wasn’t until this last month that I finally gained some more comprehensive clarity as to what that might be. I had some help, as I often do, from a book and an author who speaks her truth so vividly, curiously, creatively, and with such an awareness that I couldn’t help but stop and pause. And her words brought forth the beginning of a period of processing where I was able to look back and identify certain trends in my feelings over the last decade. There was an underlying commonality to much of the discomfort I’ve been experiencing.

What has manifested as uncertainty…self-inflicted pressure and unrealistic standards…negative self-talk…crippling indecision…commitment-phobia…insecurity…selfishness…anxiety…was a concrete problem that I believe many of us are facing. The symptoms may vary greatly depending on the individual. But the signs are all over our disjointed society. Loneliness.